Longest week ever

It goes without saying that the last seven days have felt like an eternity. Most of the family was home with my Mom, of course. Everyone taking their necessary time away from work and each other to heal in their own way. The outpouring of love and support from friends and family has been mind blowing. Acts of kindness come in the most random forms, I've always known this. However, until its you on the receiving end, you really can't admire the power of this kindness. You can feel great about doing the kindness, but having it done to you is a powerful antidote in times of grief. By no means does it replace the grief, but without all this love and compassion from random people, I feel like we'd be in a much darker place, I know I would.

If you've read this blog in its entirety, you've probably felt my anger, sorrow, frustration, and sadness towards the cards dealt to my Dad in the last 12 years. It's just not fair. He was a kind man that didn't deserve this. I returned to work today, and I just can't concentrate on my tasks, as I'm left with so many of these mixed feelings right now. Friends tell me that I should take more time off, but how does one know? I've never experienced grief of this magnitude before. How do you know when its ok to return to normalcy? People that don't know approach me and ask "How was your holiday??", and I want to just walk away. Being pleasant when I'm in this kind of pain is definitely not my strong suit. My poker face barely works when playing poker, let alone pretending that everything is ok to avoid talking about it or making anyone feel awkward. Which brings up another point, why is addressing one's grief when it comes to the death of a loved one have to be so awkward? I understand that many of us have not dealt with that kind of pain, or perhaps didn't have the kind of connection that we shared with my Dad, given the circumstances of the last 12 years. However, I've noticed this awkwardness before, because so many of us don't know what to say to someone in times of grief or suffering. You can see the difference in people that have studied emotional empathy, or experienced this kind of pain from those that have not.

Awkward or not, to me, it's all very much appreciated. I've always been a huge supporter of random acts of kindness, as was my Dad, and my Mom who still practices these acts. My only wish was those that "don't know what to say" (as I once felt), knew that just picking up the phone and being an ear to cry to, is more powerful than any words. Not just listening, but hearing someone's pain. If you don't have the words, say that, and just be there to listen. It's the biggest lesson I can take from this experience, as I was the mouthy asshole when my friend's were hurting. I received hugs from my friends' kids. KIDS coming up to make me feel better. Brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. Kids that are normally shy or disconnected from other adults making sure I see that they care. Hugs from random strangers, kisses from animals, the connection we have to one another when someone is in pain is so incredible.

I know my Dad is in a better place. But I miss him so much. As the tears began to subside, the memories starting coming in droves. Some brought laughter, some brought sadness, all are necessary. One of my oldest memories is my Dad taking me swimming at the pool near our house growing up. I was probably four or five years old at the time. We are men with hairy bods, and unlike me trying to keep things trimmed up, my Dad wore his coat proud. I would ride on his back as he swam holding on to whatever I could as he would plunge into the deep end, and yes, sometimes that meant his back hair, since his skin was too slick from the sunblock. My brothers and I had a great childhood, having a Country Club in our back yard. Swimming, tennis courts, arcade games, and a burger joint all in the same space. All the kids from the neighborhood would meet there, play together, compete together, stay over at other's houses, etc. My family all played tennis, except Matt. He was the swimmer. He and Brad competed and were very good. Brad, my Mom, my Dad and I competed at tennis, but they were all much better than I was. I was always off being naughty somewhere.

My grandfather was a very talented Woodworker, which is likely where I got the bug. My Dad wasn't as much the Woodworker, but a handyman none the less. We built a huge wrap around deck that rose high above the ground on stilts, that is still standing to this day on our old house.

When we first decided to move to Seattle, my Mom had to stay behind to sell the house, and my brothers were doing their own thing at the time. So my Dad and I moved out to Edmonds, WA. so that he could get his work in the NW going, and I could finish High School. So we were kind of roommates, one might say. We'd do everything together, exploring this new and exciting place. I played football, and he'd go to almost every practice and would always tell me that I have to hit harder. I'd always find the smallest guy on the team, and lay him out. As such, I came to meet Johan, who became my oldest and dearest friend from those days. We are still friends, and he has checked in on me almost every day this week. My Dad loved Johan and we have more than a couple hilarious memories of him, but we'll just keep those ones to ourselves.:)

We miss you Dad....every day. My Mom has told me of several of your friends/family, grown men, that call her in tears. We all miss you, and love you so much.

The End

Tomorrow it will be 11 years and four months since my Dad had his surgery. Sadly, Monday morning, November 25th 2019, my father's long fight came to an end. His family was fortunate to be able to say their goodbyes and 'I love you's'. The last few weeks we've seen his health start to decline. He lost what few abilities that he was allowed post surgery. I would tell him each night how much I loved him, get hugs while he still had the strength, and watched one last Seahawks game together.

Every week during the NFL season, he and I play in a pickem league where you pick the winners of each game. If you pick the most right, you win a weekly cash prize. He actually won a few weeks ago, which couldn't have been better timed. Every Wednesday I would ask him for his picks, and enter them in. As the recent weeks went on, he became less and less responsive, so I had a feeling this was coming. My tears started weeks ago, and haven't let up.

We all thought this would be relatively easy since a majority of our tears were spent 11 years ago. That couldn't have been further from the truth, I'm afraid. The support from family and friends is incredible.

For those that are just reading this blog for the first time, please find the archives and start at the beginning. It was recommended that I discontinue these posts, which is why there is an 8 year hiatus from my last post. I'm toying with the idea of continuing to post for the short term, sharing memories of my Dad. I miss him more than words can describe. He truly was my hero, and an inspiration of the man I've always wanted to be.

Three years.....

Three long years since I heard you speak to me. I miss you so much Dad.

It feels like three years since I've posted last. It wasn't until recently when a friend suggested I pick this back up that I decided to try writing again. I recently spent the weekend at that special place out in Pacific Beach. This photo of my Dad on the jetty, here dubbed "you are my sanity". Well, at least, that's what I called it at the time. It was on that weekend, on that beach, on that jetty...the last real memory of being on vacation with my Dad and taking that long walk with him. So I revisited the same place we all stayed in, Bob's Pacific Beach House. Beautiful home. Drank lots of wine, turned on the fire, and reflected on the memories of a great man. I'm sure the wine didn't help hold back the tears, but it felt good to get that emotion out again. I love that place. This place that photo's cannot do justice, you have to witness it's beauty with your own eyes to fully appreciate it. The drive in feels like you are in a dream. The beach stretches as far as the horizon. Clammers gather in flocks when the season is right. Beach combers gather every morning attempting to find a new treasure that the ocean brought to shore over night.

The first two days yielded a glorious sunshine, but where this place really shows it's beauty in these eyes is when that morning mist rolls in. I remember getting up out of bed just to go sit on the deck with a bowl of cereal, listening to the silence of the morning, watching the waves roll one after the other, taking in that clear Pacific air. Looking down on that beach, I see my Dad and I walking. I wish I could give him that feeling again. That feeling of wet sand between the toes....running from a swift rush of seawater that crept up on you. Climbing up on that jetty and taking in the power of mother nature with the each crashing wave.

It was a weekend filled with emotion, sadness, and solitude. I wish you were there with me.

I miss you Dad.

updates!

It's been a few months since I have posted anything, and I really thought I was done posting.  However, I am currently throwing my parents onto the Facebook bandwagon, and in the process having a link to this blog....soooooooooo, I thought it best to update in the event any of you are still checking in.

So not much has developed since July.  Dad has his good weeks and bad weeks.  Seems lately they have been good, good speech, good walking.  He has developed a deep admiration of Dibs.  They are similar to Bon Bon's.  His latest thing is to get one Dib per lap he walks around the island in the kitchen at the house.  So, by the time I get down there in the evening, he has a request for anything from 8-14 Dibs.  

A coworker of my Mom gave her a Wii game system, and we are able to feed Netflix through the Wii, so Dad has an unreal amount of Westerns and war movies at his fingertips.  Every once and awhile the rest of us can watch something of another genre.  :)

We got him all dressed up to the nines and drove him down to his niece Kelly's wedding back in September.  The first time he's had his old suit on in a few years.  He looked like a champ!

We found a small owie above his ear that turned out to be a form of skin cancer, but that has since been removed and I believe we are all clear there.

Other than all that.....all is well.

Hope everyone is doing great and looking forward to their happy holidays with family and loved ones, as we are!

Two years...

Since he sat me on the back deck and told me his thoughts.  

Since he walked around the house on his own.

Since he helped make dinner.

Since we enjoyed the sound of his voice.

Since he hugged me with both arms.

Since he had happy thoughts of his retirement.

Since he sang in the shower.

Since he helped himself to a snack in the fridge.

Since he held his wife and told her how much he loves her.

Since he told me "try not to worry"

Enjoy the little things.  You never know when you won't have them again.

Spring update!

All is calm at the Petro ranch.  I can't remember if I blogged about the hydrotherapy before, but we finally got that in motion.  This is my Dad's second week working with this specialist friend, and everything seems to be working wonderfully.  He is outfitted with his own swimsuit, tank top, and aquasox.  I'll see if I can't sneak in there next week and snap some shots to see the old man gettin his fitness on!  Some of my oldest and fondest memories of my childhood involve me riding piggy back on my Dad while he swam.  It goes without saying that I miss those times.

We've also been working hard with the Dynavox system, trying to get him comfortable with that for better communication in the future.

Mom and I are still working on that jewelry idea...well, more Mom than me.  I can't seem to get my creative side motivated back into jewelry.  

With yard work, my various jobs, and various projects around their place, jewelry seems to fall through the cracks....but we're working on it!

Overall, I'd say my Dad is keeping his strength up, however it's difficult to stay motivated as all of us could understand, I'm sure.  He goes through spurts of impressive feats though, which keep me forever impressed.

Feb Update

Well that's frustrating.  I just had a big long post that vanished.  Arrrgh!

Well let's try that again.

So we are embarking on the first ever guys weekend.   My Mom had an opportunity to go stay with her sisters and have a little R&R from reality.  I cancelled my Super Bowl trip to Vegas, and me and the bro's made it happen.  She has been gone almost 27 hours, and I asked my Dad if he was sad that she is not here.  Normally the guys would be excited to spend some guy time without the ladies...ESPECIALLY on Super Bowl weekend.  He admitted that he was sad, despite my assurance that no other husbands were there.  I think he is more sad that he can't take her on these trips, something they once enjoyed doing quite often.  I'm sure he had hoped this would have all been over by now.  

I baked cookies last night while he played online poker.  I got him in a free tournament, and out of 8000 players, he placed in the top 250...granting him a seat at the next tournament where he has a chance to win up to $1000.  I am allllll for him making money any way that he can.  He and I used to play these tournaments all the time, and this is the first tournament he had won since before the surgery.  He seemed to be on a small high from this, and I was elated to see him with a sense of accomplishment again.  He could not wait to get out of bed this morning and get his hands on some fresh baked cookies. 

Brad and I are going to take him for a little drive now.

Hope all of you are doing well.

All our love,

Chris