It is one thing to see my Dad in this weakened state, or to watch him struggle over the last several years as the tremors get worse. But, as I found out this weekend, it is entirely something else to helplessly watch my father cry. My Mom had told me about these brief moments of him crying....but up until now, I have been unaware of them. I am pretty sure I have never seen anything more painful, and the mental image remains in my head. I am sure there are several reasons for his tears. Fear, love, embarassment, whatever the reason...it breaks my heart more than anything I have ever experienced. We doubt that it is due to pain, or suffering, as he has been pretty good at telling us when something is bothering him. I believe it is the struggle and possibly a little impatience to get out of that place, and back home. None of us can begin to imagine what a person goes through when in my father's position. I know when I get fatigued at the gym, I can just stop when I want to. Without the ability to speak clearly, he is being pushed and pushed and pushed, and has no way other than those tears to tell us anything.
If we were self made millionaires, we would take him home and hire a private nurse, and let him heal on his time....but we have to push, and I foresee a lot more of these tears in the future. I can tell you that it took every ounce of my strength not to break down and cry with him. But now is not the time for tears.
It has come to my attention that my blogs may be painting a picture to its readers that he is coming back around, and that it is just a matter of time before he is walking on his own two feet and taking on the world. Let me just say that this is my personal observation. I believe this can happen, yes. He has done things for me that, in my mind, show signs of strength and determination. If he wanted to give up, he would not do the little things that he does. I get excited over the little things, but they are just little things. He has a long, hard road ahead, as we got a glimpse of this weekend. I just don't want any friends and family that are reading this to necessarily think that everything is ok based on my views and updates. Unfortunately, I cannot write about everything I observe due to the public nature of this site. This site is FOR my father, it is not my personal journal. I apologize for any confusion.
His insurance is going to end very soon we are being told and he will be unable to stay in the current facility. We will either be required to bring him home and care for him ourselves, or place him in an assisted living type home.
Remember when I said we take the good with the bad? Well....
Unfortunately, my Mom is carrying a lot of the weight of all of this on her shoulders. She is not going to like this....but I am going to have to insist on a ladies night to get her mind off of everything. (I told you I was going to set it up!)
Soooo, sisters, friends.....email me at petrofied@gmail.com if you want to help out with "Operation Make Mom Smile".
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Chris and family,
Your Uncle Bud informed me of your blog efforts last week. I have been checking every day. While the recovery progress is painfully slow -- too slow for the "health" care system -- I have confidence that your father is moving mountains to improve. My prayers are with him and each of you, for you must continue to have faith in his efforts, too. He needs you, as well as that crazy cat, Jack.
I will never forget how John and Claudia tried to make me feel "at home" my first summer in Pocatello. I even found myself watching Wimbledon (Breakfast at Petrovich's) in the early morning hours. Bjorn Borg's final championship, I think, with John McEnroe throwing tantrums, towels and rackets. Now that was entertainment. They even introduced me to Buddy's Breath salads.
I hope your mom enjoys her night out.
John Dillin
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